Do we ever fully belong?
REFLECTING ON OUR SENSE OF BELONGING ON A MORNING WALK IN CANNAREGIO, VENICE, ITALY
The other day, I met up with friends from my university days. We once shared a strong sense of belonging, built on similar lifestyles a decade ago. As our lives have diverged - with me moving abroad while others settled down with families - I've consistently been challenged over the years to redefine what belonging means to me.
This experience brought forward that belonging isn't just about sharing similar traits or daily routines. It's a fluid concept, constantly evolving as we do. And it highlighted that while we may seek belonging in various groups and relationships, ultimately, we only ever belong to ourselves fully.
James Baldwin, the African American novelist and social critic, captured this sentiment beautifully:
"Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition."
There seems to be a deep-seated human desire to belong, propelling us to seek connections beyond ourselves. We search for this sense of belonging through partners, children, friends, family, religion, nationality, occupation, or any other affiliation we choose. It’s somehow akin to a search for a comfort zone that we will have to exchange for some discomfort whenever we expand and grow.
The American writer and activist Rita Mae Brown captured this tension unflinchingly, when she said:
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
This poignant insight highlights the personal cost of abandoning our authentic selves in favour of societal approval.
The fluidity of belonging became starkly apparent when I left a corporation after a decade. Some people I thought were close suddenly distanced themselves, as if my worth was tied to my official role. While initially painful, this experience ultimately paved the way for a broader, more authentic sense of belonging that remains an ongoing journey and open-ended question accompanying me.
This journey involves consciously using our various roles to explore our sense of belonging. It's like shining a spotlight on different aspects of our complex nature. Each experience we process highlights a different angle of who we are.
In a way, what we relate to can be seen as our curriculum in life's school. We get to work with our daily experiences to understand ourselves better by how we interact with whatever situation we are confronted with.
Our relationships further reflect varying degrees of belonging. What might be unacknowledged by one person can be the main focus when spending time with another. For instance, we might feel a connection through a shared interest in art with one friend, while sharing book recommendations or a love for hiking with another.
Even in long-term relationships, the aspects that give us a feeling to belong can change significantly. Identifying with them fully can severely limit us. It can also restrict others whenever we try to keep a status locked into a defined box.
It's healthy to periodically disidentify from each role we fill, returning to our essence. In a way like mountain climbers coming back to base camp to recover and recharge before they venture out to the next level of exploration.
It seems that shared language and culture can have a critical impact on our sense of togetherness. Friends have repeatedly commented that I appear to be a different person depending on the language I'm speaking or the country I'm in.
Traveling and living abroad has shown me how we can find unexpected feelings of belonging beyond pre-defined ways. I´ve been touched by how quick we are to help each other when taking steps in unfamiliar surroundings. Supporting each other to find our feet when challenged by something new. Watching out for each other as a community of shared humanity.
These sentiments resonate with the words of the Dalai Lama XIV in "The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World:"
“Wherever you have friends that's your country, and wherever you receive love, that's your home.”
It was when I moved to Madrid that I was amazed about the hospitable culture. Neighbours, friends and strangers all made me feel welcome with such ease before I spoke their language. They invited me into their routines and supported me wherever I got stuck, without questioning a sense of togetherness which seems rooted in their culture.
A critical aspect of our search for belonging seems to be the quest for security, as we rely on each other for survival, being the social creatures we are. We become part of a community by contributing to society. By integrating ourselves to a certain degree, we show appreciation and create connection.
As a result, we can find ourselves oscillating among our desire to contribute as social beings, our need for social acceptance, and our yearning to truly be ourselves. This balance is crucial in our quest for both being part of something bigger and finding individual purpose.
Our best contributions are stongly linked to living a life aligned with our natural strengths and talents. When I find myself pondering why I might be here at all, especially when I’m not ticking the boxes I presume to be societal expectations, the words of the Irish poet, philosopher and former priest John O'Donohue feel encouraging:
“To be born, is to be chosen! … We are sent here because there is something special for each of us to do that could not be done by someone else. One of the wisdoms of living a full life is to try and sense what you were sent here for and to claim completely the life that is offered to you.”
Creativity is strongly fueled by our quest to find a sense of belonging through self-expression and following the call of our soul. As one form of expressing ourselves collapses to make way for a new one, we have ongoing opportunities for growth and transition.
It's often through creative expression that I've found my "Goldilocks zone" - that sweet spot where everything feels just right. Just as the Goldilocks zone in astronomy refers to the habitable area around a star where conditions are perfect for life, in personal terms, it's where we feel most alive and connected.
When singing in a choir or playing marimba in a percussion ensemble, I've experienced a profound merging into something bigger than my individual contribution. In these moments, I've felt a connection that transcends words, akin to a collective harmony.
This sense of affiliation through creativity extends beyond artistic pursuits. In my professional life, every team I've been part of has created a deep sense of belonging whithin the daily challenges we shared as a group along with the design language we developed.
As we combined the unique talents of each individual, we didn't just create products or solutions - we forged a shared identity, a collective expression of our combined creativity.
These experiences have shown me that belonging isn't just about finding our place in the world; it's about actively co-creating that place with others by contributing our most natural strengths and authenticity. It's in these collaborative, creative spaces that I've often felt most like myself while also feeling connected to others.
These observations reveal a deeper insight: belonging is not permanent, as we never belong in a fixed way. It’s rather about putting together the puzzle of our complex selves, one exploration at a time.
The constellations in our life are constantly changing, just as each aspect of ourselves and everyone else is in permanent transition. In this way, our desire to belong largely guides our choices in what we live.
So, as you ponder your own journey, consider how your roles and relationships shape your sense of belonging. It is in the exploration of these connections that we often find our authenticity, which will be the most permanent form of belonging that accompanies us throughout our whole life.
Have you asked yourself:
How do you balance your various roles while staying true to your authentic self?
How do your cultural and personal identities influence your sense of belonging?
How does creativity and self-expression play a role in your quest for belonging?
What does the concept of "home" mean to you?